I am so sad

I am so sad today.

I have a great day planned today making cookies with my family and attending an ornament exchange with my girls.

Yet my heart aches and my eyes are puffy from crying.

Twenty children dead. Twenty famililes going home to see their Christmas trees and the presents that will never be opened.

Twenty little bodies still on the floor in the classroom while the investigation continues. 

Twently families still waiting to see their children one last time.

So much talk about gun control. 

I am all for people's right to bear arms but no civilian in our country should have an assault rifle. Period.

So much talk about the parents. It always comes back to the parents.

We'll never hear from the shooter's mom. She's dead, too. 

I am so sad today.

I have children who have mental health issues.

I have a whole network of fellow Trauma Mamas who are trying to parent children like the shooter.

I have a child who is in a mental health facility that I fought tooth and nail to find.

She will be 18 in February yet is in no way ready to enter the world as an adult.

She pulled a knife on my husband for simply not being allowed to use the computer.

If she does something worse as an adult will it be my fault?

I have a 9 year old who has threatened to kill her teacher by punching her in the face.

She has been to see the principal 3 times in the past 2 days for throwing pencils at another student out of anger.

She has no impulse control.

She is on the autism spectrum.

She talks to imaginary people.

She sees a psychiatrist and is on medication.

She sees a psychologist for therapy.

Will she grow up to be "evil?"

We are fortunate to have great mental health coverage with our health insurance.

Many do not.

And many mental health professionals don't even participate in insurance programs any more and who can afford $150+ an hour?

Did this mother ever try to get her son help? Did she have a mental illness, too?

Many parents are in denial.

If your child is "quiet, introverted, has no friends, and is an expert gamer," pay attention. Seek help.

I am so sad today.

My heart cries for the parents of the babies who have died and for the families of the adults who have also perished.

My heart praises the teachers who kept so many children safe. They are the world's newest heros.

My heart bleeds for my fellow Trauma Mamas who are raising the most troubled of kids. We fight every day against mental health professionals, government workers, and insurance companies to get our children the help they need.

My heart hopes for my own trauma survivors. I pray we are doing our best by them.

My heart pleads to our government to reform gun laws and upgrade mental health care.

My heart begs God to cradle His 26 new heavenly angels.

I am so sad today.